Head Full of Doubt

The wonder of life is the unknown, the inability to know what comes next, the unpredictability of our days, and the anxiety and excitement that is born with each sunrise.

Nearly four years ago, upon the birth of our 23 week twins, my head was full of doubt. The wonder of the life I have just described temporarily died and was instead reincarnated as a life lived with only anxiety, uncertainty and fear. Of the many emotions we have experienced these first few years, doubt was never one of them.

I have always trusted in our ability to make the best of what we have been given, in our ability to provide everything possible for our children, and in our ability to push forward during our darkest days. Of this I have never wavered nor never doubted.

Like all parents, I believe that my children are special. I believe that their skills and achievements are more remarkable than any other. The only difference between me and other parents is that I am right!

When Noah and Sammy were born nearly four years ago, their chances for survival were less than 15%. The possibility that both children would survive was impossibly even less. Specifically, several doctors estimated Sammy’s chance of survival to be less than 10%. Even then, when the doctors told me that Sammy would likely not survive, my dreams for her refused to die. I refused to doubt her, she had enough people in this world doing that already. My job was clear from day one, no matter what it took or how hard the journey, I would do everything in my power to erase the doubt that clouded Sammy and Noah’s arrival. I didn’t know know exactly how we would do it, I was prepared for the destination to be endless and I knew all we needed to do was believe in Sammy and Noah.

To believe in your children means to dream; to want for them all that they will ever desire. The dream for Sammy was born out of doctor’s doubt. Its origin only fueled the life of this dream. The impossibility of this dream made us want it more. The dream; to walk.

This dream is with me every morning when I wake, and consumes me as I fall asleep each night. It has become more than a dream, it has been my life’s work. There is nothing I have ever been more dedicated to and more determined to make possible. There is nothing I have ever wanted more.

Last November, my brother in law proposed to his girlfriend. Their engagement gave new life to my dream. They lovingly asked both Noah and Sammy to be participants in the wedding. For Noah, the task was gratefully easy. For Sammy, the walk down the aisle would be no ordinary task.

For 350 days since that proposal, Sammy Sue has worked tirelessly. She has refused to surrender to busted chins, concussions, bumped foreheads and sore legs. I have hummed the wedding march over 10,000 times throughout hundreds of physical therapy sessions,each time her steps more firm and her confidence more certain. Never has a child fought for something with more tenacity.

Three years after doctors told us Sammy had less than a 10% chance of survival, Sammy Sue walked down the aisle as a flower girl in her Uncle Daniel and Aunt Stacia’s wedding. The moment was something that dreams are made out of. A moment that the two of us have worked for everyday since her birth. A moment that doctors essentially said we were fools to believe would ever happen.

The title of the song which I have chosen for this partiuclar update is one of my favorites. I always think of Sammy, and I will forever associate it’s lyrics with the magic that transpired last night.

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

 

 

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7 Comments

  1. Annette Willburn
    Posted November 13, 2011 at 11:34 pm | Permalink

    Jordan!!!! I am sitting here watching this over and over … what a truly beautiful moment! Not only was she walking but she looked like it was something she has been doing for years and that took no effort at all. Of course, she looks stunning to boot and Noah couldn’t be any more handsome. So thrilled for yet another huge accomplishement!!

  2. Posted November 14, 2011 at 8:21 am | Permalink

    Seriously could not stop crying as I watched this over and over!!! She did PERFECTLY!!!!! Love yall! WAY TO GO SAMMY SUE!!!!

  3. Posted November 14, 2011 at 9:30 am | Permalink

    1. HELLO HOT MAMMA! :-) Jordan SERIOUSLY you look amazing!
    2. Noah is as cute as ever!
    3. SAMMY SUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rocked that aisle! :-)
    LOVE YOU! :-)

  4. Marilu
    Posted November 14, 2011 at 9:55 am | Permalink

    Just wanted you guys to know that there was not a dry eye in the house when these two angels took over the show….forget the bride and groom at the moment…..Tia is the one in the black dress who got there 45 minutes early just to make sure that she had aisle seat…..for the best 30 second walk anyone could ever imagine….those of us who were there the day that you were born have been waiting for this moment almost as much as your mommy and daddy have….as one who took care of you when you were tiny babies, I would rock you at night and think that one day you would defy the odds and show everyone why you were placed on this earth….to remind us that God is good….and that miracles can and do happen on a daily basis….sometimes we are just too tired and too busy to realize it….but you made dreams come true on Saturday night….my tears were not of sadness but of joy….and admiration of the tenacity that ALL of you in the Folloder family have shown….NEVER give up….NEVER let anyone tell you that you cannot do something…NEVER stop trying….NEVER stop smiling…you made us all so proud….and so ready for the day when both of you will walk down the aisle again….maybe as a ring bearer and flower girl again…then as bridesmaids and groomsmen…and then as a bride and groom yourself….I WILL be there for that….cheering you on…..and watching in amazement as God reminds us all that with faith, all things can and will happen….thank you to all for letting me be a minute part of this miracle…and for letting me witness a moment that will be etched on my heart forever….te adoro mis angelitos….besitos…..Tia loves you more than you will ever know!

  5. Michelle
    Posted November 14, 2011 at 7:23 pm | Permalink

    Your children are beautiful and extraordinary. I love reading about their accomplishments and triumphs! I also have 23 weeker boy/girl twins who are now almost 3 years old. My twins are doing really well also. Tell Sammy Sue to keep her smile going! She has a lot to be happy about!

  6. Cuzzin Jeff
    Posted November 16, 2011 at 6:07 pm | Permalink

    Just wow. What an awesome inspiration.

  7. Anita Kawaja
    Posted February 15, 2012 at 12:50 pm | Permalink

    Jordan-
    This was so beautiful to see and share with you all:) We all know how much hard work, heart and soul was behind their walk down the aisle. What others take for granted was hard fought and won here. And they made it look so easy!!! As if they have been walking forever!:) I am so happy for you all and especially for Sammy and Noah:) Like you, as I watched this I imagined them in their future as adults making their own walks down the aisle..how could you not!?! Big hugs to you all and much love!:)
    Anita

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